Making Retreat Real

One thing I brought home from retreat was an altered view on making my practice real.

I have struggled with resolving a split identity. There is my conventional self with its varied life roles and pragmatic need to integrate with the world of other people. There is also my secular buddhist self with its clear understanding that much of what happens in the conventional world is contrary to my view of cultivating the path.

Of course the notion of self is empty, as is the notion of others. They are simply useful tags for the purpose of discussion.

The change was one of framework or context. I tend to take a monolithic and ideological approach to implementing my practice. It has to exist in an idealised global framework, into which I try and shove the whole of my perception of reality. It is probably a similar human tendency that led to the construction of religion in the first place.

On reflection, and on receipt of some deft guidance, I realised two things. First, the global framework is not real or even very helpful. All I have is my buddhist foundation. Second, that this is practice. It is not striving for perfection. In fact striving is probably anathema to the perfection to which I aspire.

Suddenly, all I can do is look for opportunities in every day life to act as I believe I should - to cultivate the path, to understand dukkha, to see its arising, to realise its cessation. Everything outside of 'me' does not need to fit this. What a relief!

Instead of worrying about the big picture and where I exist in that context, I can simply look for opportunities to practice my aspiration at every moment in my life. Mindfulness. If I 'succeed' or 'fail', these notions are empty too. I can respond with compassion, loving-kindness and sympathetic joy.

I suspect as I cultivate this path, my secular buddhist foundation will increasingly influence my responses to my perceptions of reality. At some stage, the feeling of a split identity will probably disappear.