Right now is not easy

Sometimes I think I am going mad.

If I continue this inward spiral perhaps the concentrated energy of internal inertia will result in implosion?

I farm and I do other things as well.

Right now life is not comfortable.

Farming, the weather, cattle prices, my marriage, my children, my family, my other roles in life (and they consume a considerable proportion of my energy), the world... they are challenging. They are not bad, just not the way I would wish.

Today I learned that my father (he is over 70) has had his first real health scare. This on the back of so much other stuff that has arisen dependently over the last few months.

I am trying to bend...  not to break.

I love my father. Right now I can really feel our "aloneness" - his and mine.

What is this?

Why is it so?

On my most recent retreat, Martine urged me not to construct a buddhist universe that contained my reality, but instead to act in each of my 'roles' in life with buddhist intent - to creatively engage with whatever the moment had to offer.

I have no idea what the next week offers.

Creative engagement.. it beckons.

Interns and Buddhism

We have a regular relationship with a professional institution on the other side of the world. Each year we get an intern. Our current intern has been with us for 2 months and I must admit that it has been an interesting time. Plenty of opportunity for practice.

Today I tried to explain to our current intern: What are the critical elements of Buddhism?

My impression.

We are human.

We feel. That is inevitable... unavoidable...

It is what we choose to do with those feelings that determines the quality of our life.

An understanding of interdependence and impermanence allow us to approach our feelings wisely.

If we embellish our feelings with desire or fear we will fall into suffering.

And on it went.

Sometimes I feel I come from another planet. But the more I practice the more I am convinced that I have found the finger pointing at the moon.

Today the intimate relationship between fear and desire, and the power of mindfulness in dissolving their accretions, was revealed in a way that I have not previously encountered.

One of the hardest thing for me with interns is saying "Goodbye". I know that they will return to their life (on the other side of the world) and it is unreasonable to expect to ever see them again. When someone shares months of their life working and living with me it is hard not do develop feelings - sometimes quite strong feelings.

The sense of grief at the thought and reality of separation is palpable and ever present as the relationship develops. Setting oneself up for suffering! Without a doubt.

Fear and desire. Fear of loss, desire for something that is extremely unlikely to be (an ongoing relationship). Other fears and desires besides.

So I sat and looked around and felt - not what might happen, but what was actually happening. Just what was, not what might be...

Life is beautiful. Any way I look at it. The scenery, the smells, the people, the sounds, the animals, the plants, the sheer proliferation and mind boggling complexity of what goes on to make up this moment. When I sit and try to soak it all up, to experience it - it is too much...

And I share it, most improbably, with this person who I would not have met under any other circumstances. The chances of this happening right now are infinitesimally small.

But it has. Is that enough?