I don't think I am an angry person - anger is not my pre-disposition. However there are periods of anger, frustration and depression with life on the farm.
Most of them can be represented by questions.
Why won't it rain? Why didn't this person do that thing? Why doesn't that goat stand still? Why is my dog not listening to me? Why don't the children want to weed the vegetable garden? Why isn't the market paying fair value for my produce? Why can't my neighbour be more considerate? Why did the cattle walk through that fence? Why are calves so stupid?
I could write pages of 'Why?'s relating to the farm or, for that matter, family life or life in a community.
Most of them relate to that foundation of suffering - wanting the world to be other than it is.
This is what generates the angry response and the urge to lash out, to control or to abandon.
Nowhere are those urges more clearly on display than when working with animals. I have trained and worked with a number of dogs since I became a farmer. The dog I currently work with is Tambo. Tambo and I have based our relationship on buddhist principles. Tambo loves to work, he loves to do what I want him to do, he loves being around me. That is his nature. I love Tambo too - he is simply a gorgeous dog.
Despite all that love and goodwill, the world of working with animals if often at odds with my desires. Tambo does not always do what I want - he finds something interesting to investigate, he doesn't understand, he is too hot or tired, he is scared, his genetic makeup runs contrary to my desires. I am left wanting the world to be other than it is - 'my' dog to do something other than he is doing.
All the while, the animals we are working are also making merry with my desires. They are somewhere other than I want them. They will not fulfil my desire as long as my dog is doing something other than I would like. Surrounding this are the inevitable sub-desires - deadlines, management 'constraints', ego, economic concerns, physical sensations, emotional pulls - its all about 'me'. Its hard not to take it all personally.
With Tambo I try to be positive. So why am I yelling so loudly? Why am I chasing Tambo across the field? Isn't he supposed to be doing the work? If only I could get my hands on him... But Tambo is too quick, too sensitive to my rising frustration and way too intelligent to come close to that black cloud of profanity for the time being.
Or maybe I laugh, give Tambo a pat and try again; wait for another time; use another method; give up on my desire.
In the end it makes no difference. This situation that seems so pressing and crucial just dissipates. The outcome will be whatever it is. If my cows are here or there it will make no difference to anyone for very long.
How much suffering will I generate for myself before I remember that?
Tomorrow Tambo will still love to work, he will still want to to what I want to do, he will still love being around me. Tambo is a wonderful teacher. I suspect all my other dogs were too, only I was not listening.
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